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Mar. 9th, 2030

dyke

My Journal

sun-midnight

This journal used to be called The Theory of Everything.

Within lies several years of navel-gazing goodness. At some point, I impetuously locked the four years worth of posts before Spring 2009 because I was weirded out over having been a so different than I am now, so you will have to add/be added to see them.

I moved the journal to Dreamwidth because livejournal got on my nerves with the wannabe Facebookness, but it crossposts here. Most of the time.

The beautiful artwork you see above is my creation.

Feb. 17th, 2017

females first

In A Silent Way

I woke up early so I dragged myself out of sleeping bag and caught the bus to the hospital. They gave me a blood test and told me that my levels were normal. Was so out of it yesterday that I didn't notice that I meant carbon monoxide, not CO2 like I kept typing over and over again. Duh.

The doctor said, however. that low levels of CO can cause my symptoms. I felt ok while I was out today, but now I feel fatigued again. It doesn't feel like sleepiness. I can barely pay attention to typing this.

People calling me "sweetie" in the emergency room. No matter how old I get, I still strike people as a youngster.

I used to have music playing constantly. I loved music. I still love music. Over the years, however, I've noticed myself listening to it less and less. Even when the idea to listen pops into my head, I brush it off. I think I'm afraid of having my emotions manipulated by music. 

There is this jazz number by Miles Davis et. al. called In A Silent Way/It's About That Time, and it just kills me. I can't listen to it too often; it's like getting lost. I can't even identify the emotion. It's like a borderline painful, murky ecstasy. Not the whole song; just the part with the vibraphone. At least I think it's a vibraphone. Some type of tonal percussion instrument.

That portion of the song is basically a set of repeating bars, which I usually find boring. But some sounds, very very few sounds, are so perfect and pregnant that I could listen to them repeat forever. It's like there's never any resolution to those bars, so they're always full of promise and wonder. Maybe it's the key.

I also avoid my Tony Bennett playlist. I took the time to construct a playlist, and now I avoid it. My k.d. lang playlist too. I'm ok with using metal to pump myself up for a workout. But this other stuff, it's too much. Too delicate, too shimmering, to pregnant.

There's nowhere for those emotions to go. It's like taking a puppy out of a cage just to put her in a crate for a bit.

The good thing about being tired is that I don't have the energy to worry about what people think of me.

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Feb. 16th, 2017

females first

I might wake up dead tomorrow.

Fatigue worse today, doesn't seem to be nutrition-related. I called the advice nurse and she advised me to go to the emergency room, especially after I remembered and told her that PG&E found my stove's CO2 emissions to be out of bounds. Someone came and adjusted the oven and range, but advised me to get the landlord to hire a licensed contracted to come check them again.

So my fatigue could be due to CO2 exposure. I'm over 20 miles from the nearest hospital and there certainly isn't any public transportation available this late. The advice nurse asked me if I could call 911. Sure I can, but how would I get home after they released me (if they released me tonight)? I'd be trapped out of town all night, would not sleep, and would be a wreck all day tomorrow, unable to fall asleep once I got home.

My other option is to wait to go to the hospital tomorrow, which will allow me to take the bus home. I just have to wake up tomorrow. It's not like I'm at a great risk of dying in my sleep, but there is some risk. The advice nurse said that CO2 stays in the blood and must be treated. I don't feel terrible, but this is about the worse the fatigue has ever been, and I've got a very mild headache now, although my workout could have contributed to that.

Yeah, right after I got off the phone with the nurse, I lifted. I was planning to call an ambulance afterwards. I REALLY didn't want to miss another workout.

I've got a backpack here packed to go, I showered and dressed, but I don't wanna go to the hospital tonight. This is yet another one of those occasions on which I really see the value in having people in one's life. Not that I plan to get any.

The great thing about waking up dead is that I'd never regret it or suffer from it.
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Feb. 15th, 2017

females first

Poverty Scores Me Yet More Shit

I income-qualified for some sort of energy savings program provided by PG&E, someone came by today and put in new light fixtures, energy-saving lightbulbs, a low-flow multi-setting showerhead, weatherstripping, and insulation for the furnace. For FREE.

I also got a surge protector (just what i needed for my computers). If the electrical outlets in the kitchen were grounded, I'd be able to get a free microwave.

Feb. 13th, 2017

females first

Dammit! Missed Package AGAIN

So pissed right now. ONCE AGAIN, UPS didn't deliver my package because the driver thought I wasn't home WHILE I WAS HOME. About 30 minutes after the delivery attempt, I tracked the package and found out that I'd just missed it! I didn't hear any knocking or anything. I NEED that protein powder, dammit.

This is just the 6 millionth perk of living in this shithole. I can never tell when anyone is at the door, although I get plenty of false alarms from the mysterious hammering I hear outside sometimes. I guess I'll ask the landlord to fix the doorbell, but it's been over a month and the heater still hasn't been fixed or replaced, so I won't be holding my breath. I'd rather be out of here before then.

All this because of that trash that burned down my apartment building. The screwup that keeps on giving.

While I was on the phone with UPS a few minutes ago, I got my foot caught in the mouse cord. My laptop (which has been sitting on my music stand) crashed to the floor. I thought I'd lost Debian! Living without a desk is really kind of a pain.

Feb. 12th, 2017

females first

No Lifting Today

In addition to not cycling, I skipped lifting today because the "hunger" was becoming too expensive (to support with protein bars). Maybe I should go back to cycling; I lifting is the culprit. This is just something I'm doing until my protein powder gets here.

I found a couple feminist organizations I'd like to volunteer at, but they're too far away. Actually, I couldn't afford the transportation even if they were in the next town over. Moving here is the mistake that keeps on taking.

So I was motivated after that to look up apartments on craigslist. I emailed the details to my VA social worker and asked that she or the housing coordinator call and inquire about them. Asking for something I know that I can/feel like I should do myself felt uncomfortable, but I know that I'm more likely to get the apartments if they make contact with the landlords, and I need respite from stressful phone conversations.

I didn't do much today and felt a bit regretful (not for today so much as for not having done much over the course of weeks), but I tried to be more gracious to myself given that I was working out some psychosocial stuff: feeling bored, down again about people being presumptuous and nasty to one another, and how I could deal with this, how I could be involved without going insane.

Was also concerned about navigating the social aspects of activism. Well, I'm just going to try to start off in an administrative role or something similarly non-social. I can't do tabling or leafletting; I'm too averse to conversation and too anxious about others' possible irritation at the intrusiveness of the latter.

I've always felt intruded upon when people extended pamphlets my way. But I don't have to feel that way; feeling intruded upon is about me than it's about them or their causes.

Feb. 9th, 2017

females first

Time for Protein Powder

Another day of weakness! Another day of destroying my diet with extra calories and making an unplanned grocery store trip for protein bars.

I give up on trying to get sufficient protein from whole foods. I'm lifting nowhere near as much as I want to lift, yet to sustain even that I have to eat more than I want to, more than my fat-loss regimen can succeed on. I'm tired of cooking navy beans everyday, especially since they apparently never provide enough protein. So it's protein powder for me!

I found a simple organic and non-gmo protein powder on Amazon and ordered two containers this evening. Nutiva Hemp Protein, only 25 bucks with shipping. Hemp is the only ingredient. The healthiest powders seem to contain the least protein per serving. That's ok; I'd rather have to buy more of the powder than eat xanthum/guar/acacia gum, added sweeteners, and goddess knows what else.

I'm relieved. I get to continue my gainz and go back to my beloved high-carb diet. I wasn't feeling this beans for lunch thing. I miss the sweetness and easy cooking that comes with having sweet potatoes for lunch every day. Too bad I'll have to wait until next month to return to my old diet.

I'm still gonna try to get some protein from whole foods; I'll eat a bit more oat bran, for example. Greens provide protein, and I enjoy brown lentils in my dinner soup.

I hit a lifting milestone this evening. I can finally overhead press 15 lbs. without a massive struggle. It feels good. Overhead press progress is a bit non-linear because I'm not strong enough to simply add 5 pounds every week like I do with the other lifts.

Speaking of adding weight, I think I'll hold off on that until my protein powder arrives. I don't want to get even weaker/hungrier than I am at this point before my dietary solution is in place.

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Feb. 8th, 2017

females first

Peaceful.

Finally got myself away from wasting quite so much time on forums. I've been studying grammar to improve my editing skills, and, as of today, I'm learning Linux programming.

I have a dream of being a freelance programmer. Programming is so much more cut-and-dried than editing: either the program does what it's supposed to do or it doesn't. But I need to build up years of skill. I could do that in no time if I were my younger, less jaded, less rundown self.

Back to the good ole days, the reading and fiddling with computers late into the night. I've only just recently gotten my sleep/wake schedule back to early rising (where I want it to be), and now I'm poised to destroy that.

Got tired of Debian hanging at boot, so I re-installed it. The installation went haywire and installed to the wrong drive, over-writing my old Ubuntu. So I'm looking at other distros to use on the unused drive. I like CentOS, but it's not really a general-use OS (the repos are nearly empty), so I'll probably just use it as a Live USB and install Mint.

Having an OS as a live usb will allow me more secure access to Google Docs (if I ever need to work with Google Docs). Being a derivative of Red Hat, CentOS is also the perfect OS with which to familiarize myself for professional opportunities. I looked into Linux training and the courses cost thousands of dollars. What the hell. So I'll be learning from youtube videos.

I don't even know if there is much of a market for Linux development. But like everyone is focused on web development right now, aren't they? (Yuck). So I'll be in the minority of the minority and maybe can get my foot in the door that way. And maybe the endless tracking on the web will drive the market back to standalone software. Haha. I'm not actually laughing.

I'm in another repulsed-by-people phase, so I took down my dating shite again. Not that there was much to take down this time. I think this one will last a loooong time; forever, I hope. I have better, less random things to do with my life. In addition, some new understanding about my sordid psychosexual history squicked me out so much that my sex drive has departed. Hallelujah.

Actually, I'm not really repulsed by people. I feel that from time to time, but mostly I'm just weary, disinterested, and demoralized. I enjoy them more this way, from afar, when I'm not invested. My life is more peaceful this way. 

I don't seem to be losing any weight, so I was just considering lowering my calories down to about 1000, when I was suddenly weak today and ended up eating a ton: after my navy bean, kale, and millet soup, I went out to Taco Bell for tortilla chips and a bean burrito with rice, then had two Clif Bars. Haven't felt that full in a long time.

I thought I just felt bad because of low blood sugar, but I still felt bad after eating, so, I dunno. I'm lifting heavy again, and maybe I just need more food. Or just more protein. I'm benching more than I ever have: 30 pounds this week.

Actually, I probably just need to finally get my staggered caloric intake planned out instead of eating the same 1100 calories per day.

Feb. 3rd, 2017

females first

7 Pounds of Beans?

I somehow ended up with twenty-two dollars' worth of organic small white navy beans. Not sure what I'm gonna do with them. I can't really have any more sodium in my diet, so they aren't gonna be very tasty no matter what I do.
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Jan. 30th, 2017

females first

My Last Sister

My sister texted me asking to borrow sixty bucks today. I can't really afford that, and I knew there was a very good chance that she'd never pay me back. She said the money would be for a motel room, which she wanted because the cops had told her that she couldn't sleep in her car. Like one night in a motel is going to solve her problem. I'd just be pouring money down the drain.

She seems to have no idea how to deal with long-term homelessness. She's staying in a dangerous town and won't leave because it's near her job. She'd probably be safer living homeless in the town where her job is actually located.

I was shocked to hear that she hadn't showered in a week. I never went that long without bathing. After I told her to get a gym membership, she lost it and told me that she wasn't related to me anymore (lol) and that I should never contact her again. Huh? I don't even know why she's so upset with me.

I survived the same situation she's in for years with way fewer resources. She has a stable full-time job that pays well and a late-model car. I had three hundred bucks a month and a van with a bum transmission, a van I eventually lost. I know what the hell I'm talking about and try to give her advice, but she doesn't listen and I don't know why. I suspect that she's not yet accepted how difficult her life has to be right now.

I told her that her stuff (which she was supposed to come get weeks ago) was going in the trash, and didn't realize that that was not the best wording until after I'd sent the message. I didn't say that to be mean; I'm just not going to provide free storage indefinitely for someone who won't ever contact me again. I was thinking that she'd never come get her crap. So she called me names and said she'd come get her stuff tomorrow, but she didn't give me a time and I know she may not come.

I am worried about her safety, but I don't really give a shit about us anymore. There never really was an "us." I tried to have a relationship with her and it didn't work out; now she's acting like an ass and there's nothing for me in it anymore. I never could get her to speak her mind so I don't even know her. When I'd call her, she'd say that she'd call me back and then never called me back. She's not the person she used to be. Or maybe I didn't know her then, either.

There goes the last sister I had contact with. It's strange that I don't know any of them or ever speak to them, given how many I have. I don't even know where they are. Messed up family.
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Jan. 29th, 2017

females first

Sexual Selfishness

A few years back, when I first started trying to treat my interest in porn by figuring out what I really wanted sexually, I came upon a concept for which I had no name. I knew that it was something that was present when I'd had sex with Thom, but not with anyone else. I put some phrases together, threw them into a search engine, and came up with this article:

http://www.drmichaelaaronnyc.com/sexual-selfishness-necessary-turn/

That's it. Sexual selfishness. That's what I need. (I don't, however, find the term "ruthless" appropriate.)

Thom used to grab me and start grinding until she was satisfied. It was great, one of the things I liked best, very arousing. And it was selfish.

Neatly congruent with my being uncomfortable when people worry about me too much, people being too focused on me during sex is boring and a turn-off; pretty much all my excitement comes from others' excitement.

The problem with porn was that this sort of benign self-centeredness wasn't depicted in anything I ever saw. The closest thing was straight-up abuse. But the abuse wasn't what I really wanted, thank the goddess. I don't know how I'd live with myself otherwise.

Jan. 28th, 2017

females first

Ready for A Career Change!

I don't want to rely on copyediting for income anymore. I'm working on an unpleasant job right now. We went back and forth with a zillion comments; comments were flowing all over the screen in Word and I was overwhelmed with keeping up with all the little details we discussed. I've never even seen Word do that before. My performance on this job hasn't been great (I've been overlooking small things), and communicating with clients is becoming too much for me.

I want to do something that is more cut-and-dried, something involving STEM. There's too little certainty, too little right and wrong in copyediting. I'm tired of getting stuck on a job while trying to figure out which of two equally unsatisfactory editorial changes to make.

I'm also tired of worrying about how I appear to other people. Soooo I'm gonna stop. I'm driving myself crazy! Being distracted and nervous about not looking people in the eye is worse than not looking people in the eye. And if I just lower my expectations yet again, I will have too little hope about social outcomes to bother worrying about what people think.

That's the plan.

I finally got Debian re-installed today. It seems it somehow got installed to the wrong partition, so my Ubuntu 11.10 got overwritten. It makes no sense; I checked and checked and checked and checked that I was installing to the second partition. Maybe something wonky happened when I installed the bootloader.

Jan. 26th, 2017

dark Mulder

I'd Just Rather Keep It In My Head

My VA social worker brought me a white noise machine today. It's smaller than what I'd imagined. It looks like an oversized smoke alarm.

Debian is hanging at boot time. Again. I'm probably gonna have to re-install.

Day before yesterday, I bought A Wind In The Door by Madeleine L'Engle at the library's book sale. 3 books for a dollar, pay on the honor system. The way L'Engle's characters talk is so odd. I can't place it at all; it doesn't seem realistic.

I've had a mild headache for three or four days now.

I used to put everything thought in this journal; now I have things I don't want to post about, even though I doubt that anyone will ever see them. I don't know what's changed.

I haven't heard from astramance in a long time. I occasionally wonder if I hurt her or whether she just decided not to contact me anymore.

Life is just kinda like "meh, whatever. it is what it is." Except for the space bar on this laptop, which has recently begun sticking something fierce and is driving me insane. Nothing "meh" about that.

My legs are shapely.

Jan. 23rd, 2017

dark Mulder

Thought-Events Peaceful and Unsettling

Was thinking about something that I may want to change about myself when I saw that the change might make me more vulnerable to loneliness or may be impossible to accomplish without a relationship. That made me very worried. I REALLY don't like relying on other people.

I was walking home about a week ago when I saw a womon walking about one block ahead of me across the street. She was dressed in an interesting way, and I was mildly curious and watched her walk for a bit. I could only see her from behind. Then I had a series of not-very-interesting thoughts that I can't remember (the last bit was something about people wanting to interact with others they find interesting), and suddenly the thought that I'm not ready for a relationship hit me. 

I didn't decide it, it just came to me, totally unbidden. It didn't seem related to the person walking or the thoughts I had while watching her, but I suppose it must have been in some way. It felt firm and settled and calm, not upset and intensely ambivalent, like I usually feel when I think about the subject. It was a peaceful thought-event: "You aren't ready for this." No condemnation or worry or anger or frustration or resentment or despair. Though I was surprised at how peaceful it was, I felt no need to dwell on it and continued my day in peace, and have felt mostly at peace since it happened.

This forms the background in relation to which I saw the possible implications of the change I'm considering. No, I don't want to type out what it is, but it is something I've mentioned before.

Where did that tranquility go? I'm know I'm feeling bad when I get that hollow pain in my chest. I had (and have) no idea what to do. I was suddenly moved to ask something about the change I wanted to make, but I've no one to ask. I can't afford online therapy. The one therapist in town never answered my calls.

I need to sleep on it for tonight.

Earlier today, I spilled my guts in an email to my VA social worker. I losing my ability to handle the logistics of apartment-searching. I found a couple of apartments online and scrambled my processor trying to plan out how to get to them, when in the application process to ask the social worker and/or the housing coordinator to help (never again will I pursue an apartment by myself; I'll just get denied).

So I told the social worker that I'm overwhelmed. She probably won't be able to do much and I'll have to pull myself together. But the money to visit these places is one thing that I can't just pull together.

Shit, I need to cut my fingernails.

Jan. 21st, 2017

females first

My Diet

Another day fighting the wind, another day on rough roads. I found out that another bus (actually a small shuttle) makes optional stops at the post office in the nearest town, a tiny rural village that's about 9 miles away.

But the town the shuttle goes to is nothing special, just another place filled with Walmarts and grocery stores full of processed food. I can't live without my co-op, so that's where I'm going next month.

I'm working on the daily menu I will start next month. I'm going to stick with oat bran for breakfast because it's delicious, full of protein, and easy to make. Yams/sweet potatoes are out (not enough protein), and potatoes will be moved up from lunch to brunch.

I haven't decided what I'll have for lunch. I want so badly to have burritos, but there are no affordable and healthy vegan burrito wraps anywhere. Dinner will still be vegetable and grain soup, but I'll be having a large helping of mung beans (instead of the brown lentils) in the soup. I kind of want a fifth meal, but I think that will be optional. Fitting in another meal is difficult enough with my current caloric intake; once that drops, it will be all but impossible.

Chickpea flour is gonna be in there somewhere, maybe for lunch. I found a simple and easy recipe for chickpea flour quiche. I made a loaf of bread with it in the past, and that was irresistible, so maybe some of that, but I don't want to be constantly tempted to eat the whole loaf.
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Jan. 19th, 2017

females first

We're Not Supposed To Have Storms In California!

I waited half the day to start working on one of my long-term client's blog posts yesterday, then the storm knocked out an electrical pole or something. So the work was just over an hour late today (my client probably didn't even notice) and I nearly froze to death last night.

It like wasn't even a real storm? Just raining moderately hard with a bit of wind. Wimpy California storms.

So in addition to the computer desk and surge protector I can't afford, I also need an uninterruptible power supply.

Damn I feel good after a hard workout.

I used to live almost entirely in my head when I was young. I would skip meals, skip sleep, and hold my bladder to the point of feeling ill just to continue reading a book. I'm glad I decided to live in my body as well. Feels great and I'm not hopelessly overweight anymore.

I feel embodied. As opposed to just being inside some sort of vessel that's continually dragging me away from things with its repetitive and boring needs. Eating the same thing every day on the same schedule (every three hours) took care of the latter concern.

The embodiment is kind of a circular thing: being in my body more helped me to enjoy being in my body more. Paying attention to my physical needs and attending to them made embodiment more enjoyable. And coming to see that some of my intellectual activities were pointless and compulsive knowledge-hoarding helped as well. The sense of embodiment dampens my compulsions.

A can of expired organic soybeans was on sale at the local supermarket. I decided to try it since I'm planning to increase my protein consumption. I added five ounces of the beans to the soup I have for fourth meal. Not very tasty at all. I'll stick with brown lentils, thanks, even with the lower protein content.

Dunno why, but the county has put an extra twenty dollars cash on my EBT card, and that's just over what I need for five pounds of those lentils I posted about last time.

Jan. 17th, 2017

females first

Brown Lentils & Prince Lestat

I want to order a box of organic, non-gmo brown lentils, but they are expensive. Five bucks for 1.25 lbs.

I thought I could get away with increasing my protein next month, but I need to do it now. I've been feeling tired around my weightlifting workouts. I deadlifted 80 measly lbs. today. Can't weight to get back to my 120.

I have to repeat last week's overhead press weight because I'm not strong enough to lift 5 extra lbs. over my head.

I'm thinking there's a good chance I'll never get the body I want and will just be bulky.

In the third of fourth chapter of Prince Lestat, vampiric doctors offer Lestat the opportunity to ejaculate (which he hasn't done for over two hundred years). They also offer him a female doctor, who is apparently a prostitute in their warped little vampire biology research organization, sitting half-naked in a box with one-way mirrors for walls. I couldn't deal and stopped reading at that point. Ann Rice has some iffy, borderline misogynistic shit going on in her books.

So I did an Internet search on misogyny in Ann Rice's novels. Came across a tumblr on which someone was discussing her vampire novels as literary representation of bisexuality. Whut??? They're freaking vampires, they don't have sex, and they don't really have romantic relationships either. The novels can be interpreted as having an air of homoeroticism at points, but I don't see the bisexuality at all, and I've read them all except for Merrick and Prince Lestat. There's love for males, but little for females.

Ann Rice still calling Lestat "brat prince." It's old and getting on my nerves.

Now that I'm older, I can see the flaws in her writing. Or maybe this book is worse than the others.

I got my rent reduced to nothing! Still can't afford my bills.

Jan. 16th, 2017

females first

No Lesbians Are Male

Was supposed to go cycling today, but I felt down and didn't want to put up with the wind again.

I felt down because I'm tired of having to keep my mouth shut about feminism! But I don't want to expose myself to hostile men. I even tried talking about my sense of isolation and unsafeness on the veteran's crisis chat (which still doesn't load without my allowing Google Analytics! I even tried refreshing Firefox and had to re-install all my add-ons.) That didn't help. I felt worse as it progressed, the responses came very slowly, and at some point my Internet connection conked out again!

Then I decided to try out Reddit, which I'd previously written off as a sort of cesspool (portions of it probably are), but there are radfem groups that weren't being invaded by misogynists and gaslighters, and even a lesbian group that's for females only! it felt great to be amongst like-minded people.

I've turned my garbage can and recycling bin upside down to discourage people from from tossing their crap in them.

Jan. 15th, 2017

females first

Surrounded by Unpaved Roads

I worked out hard today, and I feel great! Or rather, I felt great; now I'm a bit sleepy. I'm starting to lift heavy again, and I'm upping my squat reps, so I'm gonna have to up the protein intake. I really want some brown lentils, but I can only find them online. I would also like to have bean burritos as one of my daily meals, but there aren't any healthy vegan tortillas (or gluten-free), at least, not any affordable ones. I'd have to make my own, and that'll take too much effort.

Someone from the womyn's land I visited emailed me this evening. I'd hoped that they'd forget about me. I told her that I wouldn't be coming back, at least, not any time soon. I may visit one day (not likely), but I'm not planning to live there anymore.

Found another road at the edge of town that isn't completely paved, so I  had to turn around and come back to town. What's up with the unpaved roads around here? Did the transportation department run out of money? I want to move away soooo badly.

The oat bran I got (not from the co-op) is hard and cut larger than what I'm used to, so it isn't as enjoyable and I really don't want to use that store again. I could take the bus out of town and cycle 44.5 miles (one way) to the co-op, but I'm not in shape enough to make it back.

I really had no idea how isolated this place is.
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Jan. 14th, 2017

females first

What A Boring Life I Lead!

Super bored this evening.  I spent today studying grammar and trying to fix software that Debian downloaded but failed to configure. I've got two stacks of novels here that I looked through, but the ones I haven't read yet seem pretty boring. "Pretty boring" needs to be understood in light of my difficulty focusing. I finally decided on Prince Lestat by Anne Rice. Maybe I can get into the vampire thing again.

I'd hoped to re-join wind band once I'd moved here, but transportation out of town is much too expensive. That's too bad because I really need to get out of the apartment. And I'm ready to get out of the apartment. But I wouldn't have anywhere to practice anyhow. I must be terribly rusty.

So I decided what that other blog is going to be about, enough to start it up, anyways. I think I'll do that tonight, since I probably won't be able to fall asleep for a while.

Today I watched an hour-long interview about weight loss for females with Lyle McDonald, who has researched and written several books about weight loss and fitness. Recently newly devoted to my diet, I've decided to eat at maintenance one or two days per week to avoid having my hormones and metabolism crash. That should coincide with the days I cycle hard.

I need some new weights for my barbell row, but I can't afford the shipping and handling charges. Hell, I actually shouldn't be buying the weights themselves. I'm down about it. If only I could get some more work!

I've considered leaving the money situation up to fortune and just buying the weights regardless of my financial situation because lifting is so important to me, and goddess knows I need it in my life. I'll probably end up cutting back on barbell rows because I can't deal with the loud clanging of the weights I currently have, which, I've discovered, fit poorly on the bar.

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