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Mar. 9th, 2030


My Journal


This journal used to be called The Theory of Everything.

Within lies several years of navel-gazing goodness. At some point, I impetuously locked the four years worth of posts before Spring 2009 because I was weirded out over having been a so different than I am now, so you will have to add/be added to see them.

I moved the journal to Dreamwidth because livejournal got on my nerves with the wannabe Facebookness, but it crossposts here. Most of the time.

The beautiful artwork you see above is my creation.

Nov. 16th, 2019

females first

Continually missing the bus

Already halfway through November. Time is running out for my stay in transitional housing, and I've yet to find a place to live. Because I have income tied to this county and because I don't have the energy, time, or money to continue searching elsewhere, I've decided to find a temporary home in this county. I hope to move once my SSI case is approved.

I don't want to live here long-term because it is hot (in summer), crowded, and too urban/lacks nature (which is depressing). The supposed dating advantages of an urban area have not panned out. Whatever attempts at dating I make will be confined to the Internet anyhow because there is no good way to find vegan lesbians anywhere else.

I don't want to volunteer for any vegan causes. Feminist causes are more important to me, and it seems that trying to find a girlfriend by volunteering would be super awkward and inefficient. And there's a good chance I wouldn't have the energy anyhow. If I were to volunteer, I would steer away from positions that involve contact with other people, so I'd be unlikely to come across any potential dates. I can stand being around others less and less. They just NEVER SHUT UP. Or stop playing their music out loud.

I know I've posted about this before; playing music in public without earbuds or headphones has become some sort of trend. It's not like in the 80s when people walked around with huge boomboxes on their shoulders: these people are playing their smartphones. I HATE SMARTPHONES. Nothing but a means to destroy the commons for those of us who value quiet and a source of radiation. Mark my words, someone is going to discover that they cause cancer.

It's strange to even be posting about dating now. As I sit here in the library, I've been thinking about how much I get disappointed in people and how often I'm irritated. Maybe a relationship wouldn't work for me anyhow. The irritation, however, is often caused by exposure to noise. Something I've noticed lately, how simply being out and about the city can put me in a bad mood. And all the times I've missed the bus and been able to accomplish all the errands I'd planned for the day, that's an issue right now as well.

For example, I went all the way to the downtown branch of the local discount grocery store (a ~twenty-five minute train ride) last night (Friday) because the branch that is like a two-minute train ride away doesn't have any more cans of green beans (which are currently on sale at two for a dollar), of which I eat one per day as part of my diet. They help a lot with my hunger, and the price is great because other foods eat up a lot of my food stamp allotment.

I didn't go until after five because I wanted to maximize the business I accomplished during business hours. But the last bus home leaves the train station at seven forty-six PM on weekdays. So I had two hours to make a fifty-minute round-trip ride, walk the four blocks to and from the store, and get my shopping done. Another thing I've noticed about myself is that I like to browse in grocery stores. I also do not have the mental bandwidth to keep track of the schedules of multiple forms of transportation, and I'm not motivated to keep track of the train's schedule because it comes every fifteen minutes.

I spent a bit more time in the store than I should have. I missed a train home by a minute or two, watched it pull out of the station maybe twenty feet from where I stood. The next train didn't come for thirty minutes for some reason, but I missed it anyways because I got on the wrong train and had to come back. So I finally got on the correct train an hour after I'd first arrived at the station, around the same time that my bus was leaving the destination station. I had a heavyish bag of groceries with me too, ten cans of green beans. I hadn't dared buy the gallons of water I needed (so I had to do that this morning, which caused me to miss the bus home yet again).

I missed the bus yet again this afternoon. I was walking to the bus stop when I noticed that I'd forgotten some library books in my room. Library books that I'd had in my hand just before walking out of the door, which I then put back down when I went back in for something the first time. I couldn't remember whether they were due today, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to renew them without bringing them in (they're a special type of loan) and didn't want to risk the fines. So I went back up to the room and saw the bus rolling down the street just as I reached my door.

So many times this has happened. So disappointing. So I had an hour to sit around and do nothing. Maybe I need to make more of an effort to plan fewer errands each day to avoid this disappointment that drags me down so.

I didn't get any free food on Veteran's Day. I couldn't find a place I wanted to go to that was offering anything (I didn't want Chipotle). In the morning, after I'd been to the gym and showered back at my room, I went downtown for my free dental care, then went to the high-end grocery store downtown for a chocolate cupcake, then had a personal size vegan pizza, then walked around for a while trying to find a bookstore from memory, then went home.

I had to wait forever to be seen by a dentist, so I at first thought that I'd wasted my time. I can get dental care (without such a long wait) through Obamacare. However, the dentist figured out what's been causing my tooth sensitivity: my gum recession. I've been working on it, trying to brush my gum line more gently, but I've failed apparently. The assistant said my gums will not grow back. Shit.

They gave me a little tube of fluoride (which I very much appreciate because I hadn't been able to find a fluoride toothpaste that didn't also contain a bunch of shady ingredients) and some type of calcium treatment (with which I was uncomfortable because it's made of milk casein). I tried to give it back, but the assistant said that I needed both. I couldn't figure out what to do to stick to my vegan values, so I took it and left. I can't really give it away. I don't want to use it. I'm a bit grossed out at the thought of using it. Sigh.

After waiting until the last minute, I finally requested my second appeal (a court hearing) for my SSI case. I'd wanted to wait to get some more medical evidence, but that didn't pan out. The VA won't give me anything (such as a letter) I can give to SSA (I can get only my medical records from the VA), and I've been having a helluva time getting anything done with Obamacare.

It took a month or two to have my health insurance transferred to this county. Since I just recently moved here, my new Obamacare primary care doctor doesn't know anything about my condition (and frankly, I don't want my records transferred here...I'd like to minimize the number of people who know what I'm going through...for some reason). I found a someone who provides disability evaluations, so I thought I'd simply ask my new primary care doctor for a referral. That didn't work out, and I didn't find out until about a month after I'd requested the referral that the provider couldn't even be contacted.

Truth be told, I didn't really know what kind of provider I should be seeing. Then I found some blog full of disability resources online and started following the author's recommendations for getting SSI approved. Rather than relying on medical records (which are merely a record of treatment, not statements of disability severity or employability), I've been trying to get explicit letters written about my conditions.

Since the first clinic to which Obamacare assigned me took so long to even start working on the referral, my HMO offered to transfer me to another provider. I said yes. Maybe I should have taken the first provider I was offered; that doctor had an appointment available within a week. It was difficult to know whom to choose because I had to Mapquest the office addresses to see how long I'd have to spend on public transportation to get to these places, or whether I'd be able to access them at all.

I asked for a closer provider and was assigned to a place downtown (which takes about forty minutes to get to, depending on the wait between the bus and the train, despite being only about ten miles away). I called that place and found out that the next available appointment was nearly a month away. Great.

I called my health insurance company again for another new provider. I wanted to get the audiology referral ASAP so that I could submit evidence of disability before my hearing. I'd found a provider that's only half a mile away from where I live. It wasn't until just before the customer service rep finished the assignment that I found out that it wouldn't be effective until the first of next month! December. This is the middle of November. And who knows how long I'd have to wait to get an appointment once the assignment was effective. I gave up at that point. I was sick of switching providers and all the talking on the phone had tired me out.

If I don't have more evidence by the time my hearing rolls around and get denied at the hearing (which I'm certain would happen without additional evidence), I'd have the evidence for my next appeal.

I'd spoken to the Patient Advocate at the VA hospital about the VA refusing to give me a letter for SSI. Someone had called me back and informed me that the reason for this refusal is that the VA has it's own disability programs and processes: VA compensation (which I know receive), and pensions. This reason makes no sense. At first I thought it made no sense because there is no program for disabled veterans who don't have service-connected disabilities. However, I then realized that veterans can receive pensions even if our disabilities are not related to military service. That's probably why the VA has two disability programs.

I don't expect to be approved for a pension because one must be "permanently and totally disabled" if not over the age of 65. However, I'm thinking that the VA may send me for a medical exam, just like they sent me for one for my service-connected disability compensation claim. My approval for compensation and the medical report resulting from the audiological evaluation I underwent are now going to be evidence for my SSI claim.

So I'm thinking that whatever evaluation I'm given for a pension claim (I'm claiming noise sensitivity and chronic insomnia) might also serve as evidence. This claim is a way to see a doctor, to go straight to a specialist, without being held back by the bureaucracy of Obamacare. That's why I decided to apply. And who knows, I may be surprised and get approved, just like my service-connected disability compensation approval surprised me.

Nov. 9th, 2019

females first

I'm Service-Connected Now

The day before yesterday I got a letter in the mail from the veteran's benefits department. My application for service-connected disability was granted, so I'll now be receiving about a hundred and forty dollars per month from the VA for tinnitus. Wow! This was so easy to get, it kinda seems wrong. My tinnitus may not even have been caused or worsened by my military service; there's no way to prove anything, I even told them it wasn't disabling, and they are still paying me.

It's kinda crazy and I'm not 100% comfortable with it. Someone who lost limbs in the military should get more money rather than me getting this money. I do need it, however. Even that little bit of money is a huge improvement in my life because it will carry me through the months that I have zero income.

Speaking of income, a scientific editing company I worked for a few years ago sent me an email to ask whether I'd like to start working with them again. This was the company at which I ended up making minimum wage or less due to the insane amount of editing the manuscripts required (the authors were non-native English speakers). While I worked there, I had my pay grade decreased because of some errors I made; I found that the editing guidelines weren't complete enough for me to avoid those errors.

I can't take the job now because I don't have access to Microsoft Word, but I'm thinking I'll say "no" anyways because the amount of work required is not worth the pay. Maybe I'll ask whether the pay rate has changed. I'm really ready to abandon editing at this point. This long break from it that I'm on has increased my readiness.

The day after tomorrow is Veteran's day, so I'm looking forward to some free food! I have to figure out where I'm going to go, who is offering what. So far, I'm planning to check out Chipotle and maybe Subway. Most places offer food that isn't vegan. I'm scheduled for some free dental care in the morning.

My body is looking great, feeling good, and I am in love with my muscle development. Just a bit more fat off the thighs and I'll be set. My abs are coming in but I don't care about having abs that much. Last week was a setback on my diet because I thought my night sweats were caused by low blood sugar and started eating more, and eating carbs. I bought pretzels, some baked apple cheeto-like thingies, and kettle korn tortilla chips. They were supposed to be saved for just before bedtime or the middle of the night (when I was waking up and unable to go back to sleep), but I couldn't resist and ended up eating them way more often.

Normally, I would buy healthier fare, but my limited access to cooking facilities constrained my choices. I certainly don't want to get up in the middle of the night, get dressed, walk out into the cold down two flights of stairs and use the microwave. One night, I found that uncooked oats mixed with water was edible and didn't hurt my stomach (oddly). But that doesn't much matter because I now know that it was that winter-weight sleeping bag making me sweat. Again. I don't understand why because I never feel overly warm when this happens. So I'm sleeping in my summer-weight sleeping bag again. All those hours I could have been sleeping, wasted for no ignorance. The lack of sleep probably prevented me from remembering that this had happened before and thereby prevented me from solving the problem sooner.

On my way home from the gym today (I missed the bus and decided to walk), some guy from the barbershop that's closest to the vet dorms flagged me down and offered me a free haircut! So I said yes. He seemed very enthusiastic and had a bunch of ideas about how to cut my hair. He didn't quite give me what I asked for, but that's ok because my hair still looks great. I'd never had anyone cut my hair with a straight razor before, and never had a hard part (a part in the hair achieved by cutting a path through the hair rather than just moving the hair aside) before. I'd considered asking for a hard part before but was afraid I wouldn't like the way it looked. Now I can confidently ask for one.

I have an appointment for a haircut at the SuperCuts student studio on Tuesday, the day after Veteran's Day. I'll have to cancel it now, which makes me feel a bit bad. Oh well.

I'm trying to avoid stress so that my stomach issues don't worsen again, but noise issues with one of my dorm neighbors seems to be bringing them back. I've complained so many times.

I got another extension for my housing voucher. It now expires at the end of the first week of January. The six months I'm allowed to live here will be up by then as well, so I'll definitely have to find a place by then. I'm waiting for one or two disability service organizations to call me back.

I'm upgrading to Debian 10 right now and it's taking forever.

I broke my new sunglasses a week after I bought them. I dropped and cracked them multiple times. I tried to superglue them back together, but it didn't work, so I had to buy another pair. I went to WalMart this time. I got a flexible pair that is more attractive and seems less fragile than the other pair.

Still no luck with dating. I haven't been looking much because I have recurring problems with my browser of choice (Icecat). Right now I'm stuck trying to install it from source since it's not in Debian's repositories. Keep getting some weird error about programming language shit not being found. I can't even use my other distro, Hyperbola, because it doesn't have firmware or something I need to use Wi-Fi. Firmware for this laptop's wireless network card isn't free and open source, apparently.

I need to go eat something.

Nov. 3rd, 2019

females first

Fake Ingredient Lists!

Just got my new all-natural sunscreen in the mail day before yesterday. The ingredients listed on the jar don't match the ingredients listed on the Etsy product page. I asked for and was promptly issued a refund.

I just spent at least an hour looking for an analogue to purchase, and now the library is closing! I needed to find something that won't clog my pores.

Otherwise, my face is doing great! Seems like all those back-to-back face peels worked a miracle because I no longer get rough patches of skin that suffer hyperpigmentation! I haven't had to wash my face, which I figured out after having stopped to accommodate the dryness. My face is still dry, but dry skin is preferable to rough, unhealthy-looking, patchy skin. Dry skin is a lot easier to remedy.

Finally figured out that I need some carbs just before bed to avoid the waking up at 3 AM and not being able to fall back asleep. I think I did wake up sweating a bit last night, but I soon fell back to sleep and found myself waking up again at a normal hour. I'd had a bag of baked apple cinnamon puffs.

Oct. 30th, 2019

females first

Medical Stuff

My audiology exam was on Monday, two days ago. The audiologist said that my hearing is quite good. I have no idea whether the exam results will help me get service-connected disability payments.

I have a gastro consult early tomorrow afternoon, so I'll be making another multi-connection trip out of town (like I did for the audiology exam). I don't quite know what to expect, but I will bring up my inability to go for long without eating (which is required for a colonoscopy).

I've been waking up around 3:30 AM every day, unable to fall back asleep. My mind isn't working well, my working memory isn't working well. I put things down and forget where I put them like immediately. I can't really study ASL or French too much because I'm too tired to listen.

I keep vacillating between taking a diet break and wanting the diet to be over ASAP.

As soon as I finish this post, I'm going to drop off some income-related paperwork (so that I won't be charged large program fees for this transitional housing), have lunch in my room, and then hop on the bus/train for a walk-in intake appointment at this disability services place downtown. I hope they can help me find housing. The person I spoke to on the phone said that have some kind of adaptive equipment library, which sounds great and where I hope to get some noise cancelling headphones.

Maybe they even have an FM system, which I don't need at the moment, but it would be awesome to at least try one out. FM systems help people listen by isolating sounds, such as a speaker's voice, from surrounding noise.

While here in the computer room, I finally finished my 2020 census employment application (which I started about a month ago). Not sure how that's gonna work out or whether I'll even still be here when/if they contact me about employment, but I'm giving it a shot.

I'm having trouble lifting because my forearms and wrists are weak. It seems that these parts of my body have not kept up in strength gains with my arms, back, and shoulders, so they hurt when I try to increase the amount I lift. The little pictures on the weight machines show which muscle groups are targeted by each machine, and I cannot recall having seen one picture depict forearm muscles. I'm going to have to do something extra to work out these body parts I guess.

Oct. 27th, 2019

females first

All my shit is dry

Just spent hours looking for natural, non-greasy, non-drying, non-expensive sunscreen and body lotion on Etsy. My face has become dry in the past two or three weeks and I'm not sure know why. The skin on my body has been dry like the whole time I've been here. I suspect that my current sunscreen lotion (or rather, all the foreign chemicals in it) is drying out my skin, but I want to continue using sunscreen because my skin is looking good (brighter) and I want to keep it that way. I can't really afford this shit but I prioritize my health, and, secondarily, a healthy appearance.

I noticed that my hair, too, is a little drier than I'd like it to be. The glycerin seems to make my hair a bit crunchy, so I need something else to put in it besides aloe vera juice, but I don't want to use all the oily, greasy shit that's in so many hair moisturizers. I've been planning to try coconut milk for a while now, but I might try avocado as well.

I was finally convinced to apply for military disability; apparently the military has us covered even if our disabilities weren't caused by our service. I have what I think is occasional tinnitus. I was very hesitant to seek service-connected disability payments for it, but I'm broke and people kept recommending that I apply, so I applied.

Now I have to attend an audiology exam. I missed the first one, which was last Saturday (!), a few hours before the vegan food festival. I'd glanced at the address and wrongly concluded that it was downtown because I recognized the street name, but the actually street number but it about forty blocks away from downtown. On top of that, I got unusable bus schedule information when I called the city bus company (the stop I was supposed to make a connection at was closed for construction).

So I have to go out of town for this second exam, but it isn't far, fortunately (a fifteen-minute train ride followed by a short bus ride), and the VA will reimburse me for travel expenses.

Shit, the library is closing.

Oct. 23rd, 2019

females first

No lesbians on OkC, no vegans on Match

I finally bothered to go through a bunch of my OkC matches and notice that not many women list themselves as lesbians.

A search for vegans on match.com brought up less than 10 womyn.

Things aren't looking good...but that at least allows me to put thoughts about dating on the backburner and focus on something else.

I've contacted several disability services agencies for help finding suitable housing. I really hope one of them can help me because I don't have the energy anymore.

Oct. 22nd, 2019

females first

The Vegan Food Festival

I went to the first local biannual Vegan Food Festival last weekend, on Saturday. The place was packed and it seemed that at least some of the vendors weren’t prepared. We ran out of lumpia and tamales, and people were still in line for empanadas after the event was over (I was pissed that I didn’t get my hot apple empanada after having stood in that line TWICE, especially since I left hungry with a long trip home ahead of me on public transportation).

Most of the event was about standing in long lines waiting to buy food, but we did have music the whole time. I didn’t have the patience, so I hopped lines, stood around waiting until they shortened, and didn’t eat as much as I could have. I had one chocolate and one velvet cupcake, a small plate of chilaquiles, some type of Ethiopian fare, the top of a pepper from a Mexican food demonstration (that I didn’t really get to taste because I got it covered in some of the Ethiopian food that I hadn’t wanted or even asked for), and a sample of tortilla chips, cauliflower pico de gallo-type something, and cold, shredded carrot salad-type thing from a vegan catering company. I also bought an all-natural toothbrush and a cleaning brush for my glass straw (which is in storage with most of the stuff I own).

So I came away from the event a bit disappointed and frustrated, but at least it was well-attended. Popularizing veganism is more important than my being able to stuff my face.
I haven’t been able to find housing that accommodates my disability. My housing voucher expires in a couple of weeks. I’ve applied for yet another extension as a reasonable accommodation, but I don’t know whether it’ll be granted. The last time I applied for a reasonable accommodation, it wasn’t granted until a year later.

My housing search hasn’t been very productive because I don’t have the energy. This computer lab is ALWAYS chilly and loud, and I have trouble concentrating on what I do here. I’m asking around for help with my housing search. I can’t hack it. All the phone calls I have to make are killing me; all the rejections are killing me. And all the running errands on public transportation is killing me. The noise, the endless goddamned noise. I broke my newer and better pair of ear defenders just before I became homeless, so I’m relying on an old pair that is slightly bent out of shape.

Being around my old friend is making me lonely. Being around other people makes me lonelier than being alone. So I am quite keen on starting to date again, especially since the area I’m in (metro area) presents a large population (of lesbians. I hope).

I’m getting precious few matches on OkCupid. After reading an Internet article about vegan dating, I decided to try Match.com. There is no filter for searching for vegans, so I have to search for keywords, so maybe I’m not getting as many matches as I could, but I got very few matches, so I probably won’t bother with a paid subscription. I think I’ll suggest a dietary filter. I’ve thought about getting “vegan” tattooed on my body to attract vegan lesbians, but I can’t afford that right now anyhow. Vegan shirts would be nice, but I haven’t been able to find any ethically produced clothing to fit the bill.

I’ve stopped the everyday cardio and have returned to the one weight-loss method that’s worked for me: sitting around doing nothing so that I can eat very little. I had less than 850 calories yesterday, and I didn’t feel too bad at all, even after I went across town to shop and went 6 hours without eating. The holy grail of dieting seems to be plenty of fruits/veggies/nutrients: the large salad I have every afternoon is unbelievably satisfying despite containing no more than 150 or so calories (most of which is due to edamame).

I’ve been reading a set of sci-fi novels called the Murderbot diaries. It’s original and, just the way I like, there isn’t much dialogue, mostly just the cyborg narrating events. The author has trouble with correct verb tenses and some of her descriptions are confusing because she has not explained some of the technology in her universe, but I keep reading so I guess those issues are not such a big deal.

Oct. 12th, 2019

females first

I have re-connected with an old friend

And I'm not totally comfortable with the situation.

I'm having a hard time losing weight. I'm doing one hour of low-intensity cardio 7 days a week to burn extra calories, but it seems that exercise makes dieting more difficult; I can eat less when I sit on my ass all day doing nothing.

My upper body is beautifully carved up but my thighs are still too fatty. I'll stick with this another month; if I don't see results at that point, I'll go back to exercising just for health, cut back on the cardio so that I can eat less.

I'm trying the low-carb diet thing again, except I'm doing it with a largely raw food diet that includes carbs in the form of fruit.

Oct. 8th, 2019

females first

One-Day Job

I lucked out and got a temp job in the space of one week. I was surprised. Yesterday was my first day. I worked on an assembly line in a warehouse that distributed wiring for solar panels.

The warehouse is 10 miles away; the nearest bus stop is two or 2.5 miles away and the buses don't run early enough anyhow (had to be there at 6 AM; I should have stuck with the evening shift, which had been my original choice). I took a cab. The driver dropped me off at the wrong place, albeit only one block away, but I ended up over twenty minutes late because I had no idea where the place was in relation to the drop-off point and started walking in the wrong direction.

The address doesn't show up properly on GPS. The temp agency recruiter had given me a second address, but I'd been confused about the purpose of it and forgotten it in the rush to get to work on-time.

After two hours of orientation slides, someone came to escort us new hires out to the actual warehouse, and we found out that overtime was mandatory five days a week (plus we worked Saturdays). I spent ten hours on my feet, checking wires with a multi-meter, then walked the two miles to the bus stop (which took an hour), then spent another two and a half hours on public transportation or waiting for it. I had to take a long, circuitous route home because of the lack of transportation options.

I got home at 8 PM. My counselor here and some other person who helps vets with job-related shit were still working on getting me a bicycle. No way I was going to repeat such an exhausting day, so at 10 PM I texted the recruiter who'd met me at the job site in the morning and told her that I wouldn't be returning because I couldn't work overtime 5 days a week. More importantly, I wouldn't have been able to look for housing. My housing voucher expires in less than one month.

Today I went to pick up the apartment application I'd planned to pick up yesterday.

I missed my OB-GYN appointment for this job, so I still don't know what's up with my fibroids and cyst.

I did surprisingly well in the warehouse for someone with noise sensitivity.

I earned $146 yesterday. Not enough to make me feel secure about putting up the deposit for an apartment, but it's something, even subtracting the money I spent on a week's worth of lunches, the required hard-soled boots, and four bucks worth of work clothes from a thrift store. I'll have to find money for a deposit some other way if I don't have enough (I'm close to having enough already).

Sep. 23rd, 2019

females first

I do not have "high-functioning autism"

It's a few minutes before six-thirty AM. I've been on a train to Monterey county since four-thirty AM. I found a mobile home (read: a place to live where I wouldn't share walls with neighbors) that is an affordable rental in a county with good weather, in a mobile home park that will accept my housing voucher and doesn't charge so much that my voucher wouldn't cover the rent. It's an opportunity I couldn't pass up.

I stayed at the Amtrak train station overnight last night because there's no public transportation that could have gotten me to the train station early enough to make this trip. I texted my counselor that I wouldn't be home Sunday night (last night), walked the forty-minute trip to the local train stop (I left so late that my neighborhood bus was no longer running), and took the light rail downtown to the Amtrak station. I didn't sleep last night.

I thought the Amtrak station stayed open all night, but everyone got kicked out just after midnight. I had to stay out in the chill until the station re-opened at four AM. I didn't have much to do and I wasn't dressed warmly enough (it's still warm in the evenings here in the summer, so I was dressed in shorts and had nothing warmer than a hoodie, but I did put on some tights under my shorts just before leaving the station).

I walked to 7-11 and back and bought a hot chocolate that I fear was not vegan; my stomach hurt a bit afterwards. I practiced writing Arabic script on a bench under the lights, right next to the light rail tracks. I paced and paced and paced and it helped keep me warm. I watched an unsettling-looking cockroach or beetle crawl across the floor of the train station's baggage claim area and observed a similar (or the same) creature sit motionless for an eerily long time just inside the door of this area.

I have a long day ahead of me. I won't arrive at my destination until ten AM, and then I'll have to take a taxi into the small neighboring town where the mobile home park is located (fortunately this town is only about five miles away from the other small town, where I'll disembark from Amtrak). My trip home (on Greyhound bus) is nine and a half hours long, with three layovers, the last one nearly three hours long, in Oakland, CA. Once I get back into town, I'll have another thirty-minute trip on the local train and another forty-minute walk (or longer, considering how tired I'll be at that point; I've barely slept in the past three or four days) back to my room.

I tried and tried to coordinate a more convenient trip, but, for such a long trip on a single day, it was impossible (as far as I know). I was hellbent on not paying to stay anywhere overnight; it would have been a waste of money even if I'd had the money because I wouldn't have been able to sleep anyhow.

This trip is costing me about a hundred dollars, which I can scarcely spare, so I'm very much hoping that this rental pans out. I'm ready to get out of this vet housing program because I don't want my counselor breathing down my neck to find housing and/or get a job. Last time I met with him, he overestimated the amount of time I'd been in the program by a couple of weeks.

I had thought that my primary care provider had scheduled a pap smear for me because of my abnormal MRI results, but the pap smear was intended to be a routine check-up. It didn't pan out. My period had started the day before, and I wasn't able to tolerate even the pediatric speculum. I had underestimated how much of the numbing cream I was expected to use (the entire tube!), so it didn't help much, and however much I did use probably got displaced by all the blood.

I didn't want to reschedule...but I did. Not sure that I'll bother with the procedure again...but then again, I had vaginal cysts and didn't know about it until I got the MRI, so maybe I should let someone have a look in there . Once a decade isn't terribly often for pap smears.

Before the attempted pap, the provider mentioned that she had read my audiology report and said that my symptoms resembled those of "high-functioning autism." She asked me whether I had explored being on the spectrum and I said that I had; then she offered me the chance to get a second opinion. I wasn't crazy about that idea, but I agreed to a referral to see whether the VA psych department could get me seen by an outside specialist. It might not even pan out. Maybe it'll be useful for my SSI case.

I don't think that I have high functioning autism, however, and I'm afraid that the results of my lack of sleep will throw off the results of whatever evaluation I undergo. And it just so happens that I've recently checked out a book about connecting with other people that gave me some possible explanations for some of those autism-like symptoms, explanations that I've wondered about myself in the past. According to this book, a lack of healthy relationships compromise one's ability to not only understand others but to be understood by others...something I've complained and wondered about on many occasions, not being on the same wavelength as others.

I also found a non-VA provider who does employability evaluations, has expertise in learning disabilities (which auditory processing disorders are), and accepts Medi-cal, so maybe I'll have even more evidence for my SSI case.

The stops aren't being announced (they usually are), and I don't know quite where we are or how many stops are left before I get off.

I'm now tired of people telling me that my new name is "pretty" or "beautiful." All women, of course.

It seems I've managed to have just enough caffeine (from coffee) to feel a bit more awake without feeling jittery and weird. I bought a one-dollar cup from the machine outside the train station just before I embarked this morning. I poured most of it out.

This trip is proceeding surprisingly slowly. Nearly three hours on this train now and we've traveled less than one hundred miles. Having taken this train only for short trips in the past, I'd never noticed how slow it is.

No online mapping service I've tried so far can give me directions from the mobile home park to the Greyhound station. The street that the station is on seems to not exist—–the services recognize the name, but they all indicate that it is a Street or Way instead of the Avenue listed on Greyhound's website.

Someone just announced something that was nearly inaudible and almost entirely incomprehensible (I cannot think of the correct word but I'm fairly sure "incomprehensible" is not it). I'm sure my stop is not next, however. My stop is the end of the line.

Ahhh, just found a schedule. One more stop and I'll be getting off. I'll end this here. I can barely think straight at this point anyhow. The caffeine keeps the body going but does not do much for the mind, it seems.

Sep. 18th, 2019

females first

My hemp protein is nasty

I was checking out the area around one of the train stations last weekend when I stepped on something, a piece of fruit. Turns out there are pomegranate bushes at the edge of the station. I picked the ripest looking ones. Not sure whether that’s legal since the station is government property, but whatever.

Still haven’t gotten an appointment for my GI consultation, which I need before I can get a colonoscopy. Today I found out that community care (which is what the VA referred me to so that I could get an appointment sooner) has both my old and new names and thinks there are different people who somehow got listed with the same social security number. And I forgot to update them when I changed my phone number (thanks mom). If I had taken the appointment the VA had offered me, I’d be getting the consultation in ten days.

Rather than try to sort out the name issue with an organization that apparently knows nothing about my name change (and that would likely require proof of that change, which I don’t want to bother providing), I tried again to get a VA appointment. Referring me to community care cancelled the VA referral my primary care provider had initially sent, so she has to send another. More time, more bureaucracy.

Got some delicious fruit and a huge bag of pistachios at the food bank yesterday! That made my day.

My daily menu is still not settled; I got no sleep last night due to waking up with night sweats two or three times. Lack of protein is the issue. The hemp protein does not taste good and I need to figure out how I’m going to eat my second daily dose of it (the first goes into my oat bran at breakfast).

I seem to have long and involved dreams every night now. Last night I dreamt that I was part of some sort of womyn's group that owned some land or something. I was very happy about that. Then I mentioned something about radical feminism and some of them were like ewww and left. And the rest of us were trying to organize something together and having a hard time.

Finally got the reset code for my online social security account yesterday. Noticed that a decision on my SSI case had been made. Hesitated to look at it. Finally clicked and found that my case had been denied.
Tags: , ,

Sep. 16th, 2019

females first

(no subject)

I got my numbing cream in the mail last Friday or Saturday. The nurse also apparently sent me an entire box of latex gloves. I suppose just taking out a few pairs of gloves would not have been hygienic, but the delivery through me for a loop for a few moments.

I don’t have enough money for the deposit for an apartment, and I can’t continue freelancing to earn any money because I don’t have access to a Windows computer I can install time tracking software on. It’s very frustrating. I’m going to see some specialist at the VA tomorrow who is apparently knowledgeable about possible income sources. I’m having to use the few hundred dollars I got from my ex-landlord as spending money.

I was supposed to have a decision on my SSI case by now. The automated phone system can never find my case information. I can’t check the status online because I changed my phone number, which I was using to get security codes, which I need every time I log in to SSA’s website. I couldn’t get a reset code sent to me because I’ve recently changed my address. I had to go in to a social security office, and somehow the person I spoke to was able to send me a reset code by mail. It hasn’t arrived yet.

It suddenly started raining this morning while I was at the gym; it has been quite hot the whole time I’ve been here. Speaking of the gym, I think there may be something to this “fat burning zone” for heart rate. It seems that when I work out harder (when I get my heart rate higher), cardio makes me hungry. But following the various cardio machines’ fat burning programs (basically low intensity cardio) did not leave me hungry at all even though I worked out for an hour.

I’ve finally started getting a decent amount of sleep. Hallelujah. I realized this past weekend that I’ve been feeling like crap because I’ve been exhausting myself by being out nearly all day. I need to get my shit done and come home early enough to recharge. This need is why I can’t hold down a regular job. And I can’t really explain why I am this way, and doctors don’t know, and this is why I have trouble getting disability payments.

I’ve once again mismanaged my monthly allotment of food stamps. Part of the problem was the lack of a fridge (which I finally got in my room last Friday). Another part was my brain fog. Another part was the sudden disruption in nutritional needs I experienced when I started lifting. Maybe I’m lifting too much…it’s difficult to tell because I’m not used to using weight machines.

I’m a bit surprised at how easily I’ve adapted to my new name. I haven’t accidentally given out my old name out of habit, not once. I think I almost did, once, on a form when I first arrived here.

My ASL studies are coming along quite well. Arabic is presenting a problem however; it’s the same old issue with trying to find untranslated materials.

I got impatient with how slowly my facial peel results were progressing and did another peel that I kept on for quite a long time last week (maybe a couple of minutes). My skin has been looking bad and I thought I'd given myself a chemical burn, but the burnt-looking skin is peeling off and my face looks fine underneath. Maybe all the hype I read about the supposed danger of this TCA peel applied to higher concentrations (I have a 20% percent concentration product).

Sep. 11th, 2019

females first

I nearly walked in front of a train this morning

It was less than thirty feet away from me and I was less than five feet from the tracks when I heard its horn. At first I thought that lack of sleep had made me oblivious. After replaying the episode in my mind, however, I noticed that I hadn’t heard the train approaching despite its nearness. The sound, I suppose, just blended in with the other noises around me (including, perhaps, the train that was departing in the other direction); or rather, I didn’t distinguish the sound of it. Just another interesting thing I noticed about my auditory processing. These are light rail trains, so they aren’t very loud anyhow.

I have called a million mobile home parks. Given the source of the contact information (some governmental agency), far too many numbers turn out to be disconnected. Often, no one answers the phone and there is no answering machine. When there is an answering service, the recorded messages tend to make it seem as if I’ve reached someone’s private phone line: the voice introduces someone personally, by name, instead of mentioning the name of the MHP.

I cannot simultaneously eat sufficient protein to support my weightlifting and maintain a sufficiently low caloric intake to reach my body goals, so I’m trying a protein supplement. Hemp protein that I found at the discount grocery store (which, I’ve found, often has prices similar to regular grocery stores and higher than dollar store prices). Legumes don’t satisfy me, aren’t particularly appetizing to me, and have too many calories.

After last night’s lifting session (my second since I started lifting again and joined the gym), I was unusually hungry and no amount of food would satisfy me. I recognized this state as protein deficiency. I experienced something similar (albeit much more intensely) when I started lifting free weights back in 2016 while on a high carb diet.

My primary care provider had someone contact me yesterday. She wants to do a pelvic exam. Uggghhhhh. I don’t see why I need a pelvic exam; the MRI has already told us what’s wrong with me. She had prescribed me some sort of numbing cream (presumably because she remembered that I could not tolerate a transvaginal ultrasound); the VA pharmacy keeps prescriptions for only 24 hours before having them mailed out. It’s irritating because I live a block away from the place and can easily pick up prescriptions and have them much sooner than the postal system can get them to me.

I really hoped to avoid having medical instruments in my vagina ever again. I am upset about the pelvic exam although I don’t know what exactly to be upset about. I don’t know what kinds of things cause or exacerbate vaginal cysts (I’m assuming that’s what the exam is for because my uterus is too far up to examine manual), but I doubt that they occur naturally. One never knows what toxic garbage in modern society makes people ill, and one has little or no power of it anyways. Maybe my problems have something to do with radiation from my laptop, which I often sat on my lap.

I asked for the pediatric speculum.

Sep. 10th, 2019

females first

Significant Abnormality

Took a look at my MRI results today. They put the results out in 3 calendar days! That’s hella fast.

Lots of unfamiliar terminology about my fibroids (I don’t know whether they are better or worse), something about “free fluid” in my pelvis, and now I have vaginal cysts too (or did I have those before?). The note at the bottom of the report sums it up nicely: “significant abnormality. Attention required.”

I’m sleeping hardly at all. Exhausted but can’t fall asleep at night or even early morning, going about in a daze during the day. Last night I had blood sugar trouble again (from which I could not recover and fall back to sleep), so now I know that half a can of split pea soup does not provide sufficient protein for a day.

I’m waiting to hear from the VA’s neuropsych and audiology departments so I can get proof of my unemployability, which I need to extend my county financial assistance benefits beyond the standard three months that employable individuals get. I’d previously added my (outside) audiology diagnosis to my VA health records, but my primary care provider can’t find them. Dammit VA. Fortunately, I have a copy on my laptop, so I will be taking that in today or tomorrow.

My primary care provider has also added the department’s social worker to my consultation. Apparently this person may be able to help me find employment. I doubt it. And I’m planning on moving rather far away from here soon anyhow, so what’s the point of getting a job here?
Well, at least things in my life are less of a mess than usual.

Sep. 9th, 2019

females first

Thanks, mom

My mom kept contacting me (no surprise there), so I finally changed my phone number about a week ago. It’s something I’d considered before but hadn’t wanted to bother with because I knew that I’d have to update a zillion organizations with the new phone number, that I might forget one and thus miss out on a crucial phone call. But one morning my mom texted me that she loved me and, in particular, that she “wouldn’t give up on me,” which means that she’d continue to disrespect my desire to be left alone. So I took the plunge. It was a small pain in the ass, but it’s done.

Given her behavior, I don’t think that my mom really cares that much about me. Before, I thought maybe that she did in her own subjective way, but now I strongly suspect that she’s just doing whatever she wants to do (use me for attention) and trying to brand it as motherly concern. I doubt she knows how self-centered her true motives are.

My skin is doing so well! I’m pleased. I got my TCA (trichloroacetic acid) out of my storage unit, but I didn’t use it for a while because I wanted to research some sort of proper procedure to avoid damaging my face (it is a “medium” strength facial peel; I’d used only mild strength peels before). I finally got tired of waiting/searching and just tried it out, applying it to one tiny spot on my face for a very short time period (15 seconds). Well, nothing seemed to happen over the next day or two, so I got bolder, and applied it more liberally the next time. Given all the hype about how dangerous it is, I’m surprised at how mild the results are; however, my face is peeling in all the right spots and my skin is looking much better.

I’m surprised at how easy it’s been to get rid of the hyperpigmentation; I’d assumed that I’d have to wait years for the spots to fade, and I hadn’t expected that a mere bar of soap (a vitamin C-infused konjac facial bar I got off Etsy) could help so much. I’m glad that I stopped wasting my time with that esthetician and the expensive products she sold. A couple of five-dollar bars of soap and eight-dollar jars of acid off of Etsy were all I needed! The old, discolored skin just flakes off.

Working out at the gym feels SO good. I tried a treadmill yesterday (a machine I’ve tended to avoid because I always seem to have balance problems with it), and it wasn’t as bad as I’d remembered. The treadmill is a good way to get in some low-intensity cardio (which I need for fat loss) without spending all my time on an exercise bike (both types of bike at the gym are uncomfortable and I can’t wait to get back to my spinning bike).

Last Friday (today is Monday), I had my pelvic MRI. Before the appointment, I’d been told that I needed to remove my earring (I have one small steel hoop in the cartilage of my upper left ear). The hoop had been in my ear for over a decade, ever since I’d gotten it pierced, and I didn’t know how to get it out. I tried unscrewing the ball, but it spun and spun and nothing happened. I had to do some online research. I was surprised to find that I had to simply pull the ball out of the indentations in the hoop. Extremely easy, especially in comparison to getting the thing back in. I hope I never have to take it out again.

The MRI was loud, so the technicians gave me both ear plugs and headphones before sliding me into it (I was also offered music). I couldn’t wear any street clothing, not even my underwear (apparently manufacturers put weird materials in clothing nowadays). I got some hospital pants and a shirt that were too big for me. The socks fit, and I kept those. In addition to the contrast that was supposed to make my uterus “light up,” I got two injections of some type of sugar substance to keep my bowels from moving (and thus moving my uterus and creating blurry images). The procedure took thirty minutes. I was bored.

I got the expiration date for my housing voucher extended, so I’m a bit more at ease now. I’m still having a bad time finding housing, however. None of the places I’ve wanted to live in accept housing vouchers. I’m so afraid of what my previous landlord will say about me. Right now I have a huge list of mobile home parks to go through, a million phone calls ahead of me. Stress.

I am having trouble properly managing my food stamps because I have no fridge. My…counselor, I think he’s called…said that one was supposed to have been brought up to my room, but I haven’t received it yet. Some of my food goes bad, wasting food stamps. I’ve stopped eating in the dining hall. Too much oil and margarine in the food there. Margarine is gross and these extra calories are no good for my diet. I’ve found hair in the food and water on several occasions, I hate the noise in the dining hall, and I got tired of not knowing what’s in the food and the kitchen staff asking me whether I eat dairy.

Fruit is amazingly satisfying. An apricot and a couple handfuls of blueberries for breakfast this morning was all I needed.

I would like to post more but it's time I go out and accomplish something for the day.

Sep. 7th, 2019

females first

meh havent been keeping my offline journal either

I don't want to post because I don't want to think. Too many awful things to think about; not much good or interesting stuff to post about.

My chest has been hurting worse and worse, and I got another loan from the state (which totally surprised me, given that I haven't paid off the first one, $11,000), so I finally went and joined the cheap chain gym today (went yesterday but couldn't sign up cuz they needed my debit card and my checking account number, the latter of which I didn't have with me...after carrying it around for weeks).

I cannot LIVE without a gym. I NEED to bench press.

I tried not to work out too hard on my first day back, but my upper body is gonna be hurting tomorrow or, more likely, the day after. Oh well.

I was surprised to find that they have so little in the way of free weights. After I finished signing up at the counter, I went over the weights section and had a look around. I spent a good minute circling some large weight machine and trying to figure out what it was. I finally noticed someone using another one and saw that it was for lifting a barbell, but the barbell sat on the machine, on guides. Ugh. I'm used to free weights; to lifting and stabilizing all the weight myself, without the assistance of such contraptions. Can't wait to get back to my home gym.

I have a problem with a lack of clothes for working out. I have only two pairs of shorts, two T-shirts, and the two sleeveless shirts I used to cycle in, which are stretched out and show rather a lot of my breasts. Let me just take this opportunity to say once again that I hate men for making visible breasts a sexual thing. I can pin the shirt up with safety pins but...I shouldn't have to. And the shirt doesn't fit right in the first place because it seems to be a men's fit despite being unisex—tight in the waist and loose in the chest and arms.

I re-enabled my OkC account. Since I'm in a metro area, I was looking forward to some dates, but I have very few matches even here. Sexing/dating random people seems to only seem nice in theory. I want to date a butch vegan and there aren't any. I've got 84 Likes and no dates. Dammit.

The fruit-based diet is going quite well.

Aug. 25th, 2019

dark Mulder

I belong in a barn

Haven't been sleeping and feel like garbage. I live around a bunch of men and a dislike it.

Overwhelmed by the need to find housing without having any money. Got back just under half my rental deposit. Not enough to cover the deposit for another apartment, especially since I've had to spend some of it. The landlord said that I left the apartment "filthy." Some of the letter he included with my check is misspelled, so I'm not sure what I was charged for. Don't feel that I have the emotional energy to correspond with him about it. I so want to be done with this whole situation. I have a horrible feeling of having let someone down mixed with anger and frustration that I "had to" rent that apartment anyhow.

I should never have been in this situation. I didn't want an apartment anyhow. I don't ever want an apartment or any similar living situation again, but I'm forced to live indoors. I would like to live in a barn and just go indoors for showering and using this computer.

I used the check to pay for bus fare so that I could get my laptop and other stuff out of my storage unit. Managed to force everything into one 5-by-5 foot unit. I had to take away a huge suitcase full of clothing that belonged to my sister, and even then I barely got the unit door shut.

Then I got stranded there. At a storage unit on a country road in a small town twenty miles from any other town. Finding my stuff and re-arranging the rest of the stuff took longer than I'd anticipated. Then the taxi dispatcher took forever to send me a taxi then forgot to leave a message about me for the next dispatcher when he went off shift.

I was there waiting with no food or water for hours. The office eventually closed and I was alone there except for the few people who came to access what they had in storage. After the taxi trip, I ended up having to spend fourteen dollars for a train ticket plus ten dollars for a taxi to get back "home." This instead of the $2.50 bus fare I paid to get out there.

I'll feel better once I get some sleep.

Aug. 21st, 2019

females first

Waiting, waiting, waiting

Waiting for money so that I can make a move, so that I can afford the application fee for an apartment rental, while the expiration date of my voucher gets closer and closer. I guess I hate dealing with my ex-landlord so much that I've been subconsciously rejecting the idea of contacting him about my rental deposit check. Then again, it's been less than ten days since I put in the change of address, so maybe I was half just waiting for it to arrive. Well, I finally decided to stop torturing myself with waiting today and also got the idea of looking up the rental office phone number (at which I might be able to speak to someone other than the landlord). On the website, I also found an email, so I used that instead. It's apparently the email of a staff member (i.e., not the landlord).

In the meantime, I've been occupying myself with reading and trying to improve my Spanish vocabulary. The nearest public library does not have a great selection of Spanish fiction. First, I checked out this book of short stories, but they were literary works, and literature, both in Spanish and English it seems, is pretentious and dull and more about flowery language than telling a story, than entertaining. And I'm not in a good place for decoding metaphors in a foreign language.

So then I went back and checked out a more mainstream Spanish novel. Or so I thought. This turned out to be some sort of...avant-garde? experimental? literature. I got up to page thirty-four and called it quits. Nothing ever happened in the story; it was nothing but oblique dialog, a couple of people on the run from goddess-knows-what kind of shady past, discussion about their nightmares and their fears of being caught and what not. I got a lot of solid vocabulary out of it, but I lost my motivation to continue because there was no story.

So I went back to the library again yesterday and checked out a couple of books from the youth section. I guess it's pretty awesome that we have a youth section for Spanish books (as well as for Korean, Vietnamese, Russian, and, I think, Chinese books), but that's just California. Maybe. Or maybe it's a metropolitan area thing. The main book is a fictionalized account of the life of a child of migrant workers. I also got a shorter book that is for younger kids, about a princess being rescued from an arranged marriage. How depressing.

I was happy and surprised to find an English sci-fi novel of the kind I like (mostly narration rather than dialog). It's called Finches of Mars, and the author is Brian Aldiss. The story was weird and disjointed, a rather uneventful set of scenes set in the near future as Earth succumbs to large-scale violence and an international group of universities comes together to fund a Martian colony. And then the Martian colonists find themselves unable to reproduce living children, a fact that presages the end of the whole experiment because they'd all agreed to never return to Earth.

Then the Martian colonists lose contact with Earth, which had been supplying all their food and other supplies. Then their descendants show up (from the future), and give the colonists the means to survive and produce living offspring, which makes no sense because the present-day colonists would have eventually figured that out themselves (otherwise, their descendants couldn't have had the technology). The book was short.

I've also been reading a lot of feminist works. I have a whole list of works I intend to read once I'm done with the current ones. I'm currently struggling through (and considering giving up on) Catherine MacKinnon's "A Feminist Theory of The State." The author did a poor job of clearly articulating her ideas, and the vagueness is getting on my nerves. It gives a disjointed feel to the reading experience.

I've read Aida (gorgeous first name) Hurtado's "Voicing Chicana Feminisms." There was very little feminism in it; just a bunch of "Chicanas" (the author's term; not a chosen identity for all 101 research subjects) who are super attached to their culture. Several unsubstantiated references to "white feminism." What is "white feminism"? Given some of the subjects views on "white" people, it may well be just another racial stereotype.

I tried reading Marx' "Capital." What dull, pointless blather! Why would anyone read this? It seems like nothing more than one person's unnecessary and idiosyncratic systematization of one aspect of economics. I'd thought that there were sociopolitical insights in this work. There may be so, scattered among the vague definitions, but I'll just have to miss out on them.

My blood test results showed that, once again, my vitamin D3 levels were low. Unbelievable. I thought I was taking a huge dose. Well, now I've doubled that huge dose. The VA is now looking into my fibroids as well as my stomach problems, which my primary care provider told me is likely a case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome. So I'm scheduled for an MRI of my reproductive organs. She asked me whether an intravaginal ultrasound were ok with me, and I said "no" because that didn't work the last time I tried it: the tool wouldn't fit into my vagina at all. So that's why I'll be getting an MRI instead of another ultrasound.

Oh great. Just got a response from the rental office. My email is being forwarded to the landlord. I wouldn't be surprised if that asshole ignored or forgot about my email.

I'm so tired of people who don't read or seem to not read. I don't know how anyone gets anything done with the verbal sloppiness. There's an employment program here that pay's for equipment for work; I asked the administrator whether I could get a laptop to "continue my self-employment." She responded that the program doesn't pay for equipment necessary for setting up a business. But my business is already set up, so I don't know whether that applies to me or not.

I don't know whether I should make another appointment for a free haircut or wait a bit longer so that I'll have money to visit a real barber, nearby. The free haircuts are way the hell across town, and, now that I've been there once and no longer have enough foodstamps to afford a nice lunch away from the dorms, going won't seem like an adventure anymore.

Aug. 14th, 2019

females first

Fake Lesbians and STDs

I hadn’t heard anything about the colonoscopy I was supposed to be scheduled for, so I called the VA’s gastro clinic. I was told that I’d have to attend a consultation before the procedure could be scheduled, but the soonest consultation appointment is over a month away. The VA apparently has long wait times often; it instituted a community care program several years back to handle the backlog of patients. Basically the VA sends vets to civilian doctors so we won’t have to wait so long to be treated. So I was referred to this program. I may as well just use my Obamacare health insurance (rather than being seen by an entirely new doctor). I’d have to go back down to the county I was living in, however. I don’t have the money for that right now.

The nurse I saw at my check-up last week prescribed me some just-in-case meds for migraines, so I’m thinking that I can take that if the 24-hour fasting required for the colonoscopy gives me a headache. I don’t know whether the meds will work, however. It’s a low dose of something I’ve taken before, Imitrex, but I took it to prevent migraines last time, not to treat them.

I found out that I qualify for something called General Assistance, which is a loan the county gives to indigent adults who don’t qualify for other financial benefits (basically, people who don’t have kids). I was surprised that I qualified; I expected to be rejected because I haven’t paid off the eleven thousand dollars I owe on the last GA loan I got, but no one even mentioned this to me. Great! So I’m waiting for my case to be finalized so that I’ll have some money for transportation and other stuff I need.

The housing specialist here sent me info about an acceptable apartment, but I didn’t apply because I don’t have the application fee right now. I still have not received my rental deposit back, but I think that’s because I put in a change of address for my old name only last weekend (I put in one for my new name two weeks ago, but the landlord doesn’t know my new name). My old post office was still holding my mail because I hadn’t come to pick it up. I was worried that my vacation hold had ended and that my mail was therefore being delivered again, to my old apartment. I was worried that my deposit check would be lost in the mail!

I’m almost done updating all my stuff with my new name. So many things I’ve had to update: my bank, the social services office (which administers my food stamps and health insurance), the colleges I’ve attended (crap. Just remembered that I’ve forgotten one), the DMV, the Social Security Administration, PayPal, my storage company, the department of rehabilitation, my county’s transit company (which administers my paratransit benefits), and probably more that I can’t think of right now. I still have not made it down to the housing authority for lack of money, and my old name is still on my housing voucher.

Eating in the dining hall here is not helping my stomach problems, so today I asked my counselor (the one associated with this vet housing program) for the mini-fridge that I was offered during the interview I had before being admitted to the program. I hate asking for stuff. Yesterday at dinner, the chef asked me whether I wanted sour cream with my baked potato. They make special meals for me (which makes me feel awkward), but they still don’t completely get what veganism is, it seems. I don’t trust them. Well, there’s one of them I trust to make me something that’s totally vegan. He’s usually the chef who prepares my dinner, but he wasn’t there last night.

I’m really into this raw vegan diet I’m sort of halfway doing. The last time I tried it, I could not get into having sweet foods for every meal, but I’m ok with it now. I think the ten days I spent camping helped prime my taste buds for this diet; I had nothing but fruit, pita, and nut butter while I was out there.

I’m way too horny lately. I’ve been thinking about seeking casual sex, which I’ve never really wanted before. I need to get out of here so that I can get a date. Actually, I can date while here, but I cannot have overnight guests. But guests don’t need to stay the night to give me what I want! The problem is that I want to have sex with lesbians only, but one never knows who is really a lesbian when it comes to strangers. One never knows what STDs people have. Can’t trust what people say. What a drag. I used to think that if I ever sought casual sex, I’d just require people to provide printouts of negative STD test results, but that doesn’t seem practical. Can people just go in to a clinic and ask to be tested for every STD there is? I don’t even know about every STD. What if they are infected, but the results just don’t show up yet? The kind of people who would respond to an ad for casual sex are probably the most likely to be infected, lol. Too many logistics involved in this shit. The prospect of STDs is a mood killer anyhow.

I'm in the job center, which is closing right now so peace out!

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females first

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