My Journal


This journal used to be called The Theory of Everything.

Within lies several years of navel-gazing goodness. At some point, I impetuously locked the four years worth of posts before Spring 2009 because I was weirded out over having been a so different than I am now, so you will have to add/be added to see them.

I moved the journal to Dreamwidth because livejournal got on my nerves with the wannabe Facebookness, but it crossposts here. Most of the time.

The beautiful artwork you see above is my creation.
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females first

No Dating Plan

Somehow, I spent forty-three dollars on cleaning supplies at the hardware store today. I'm trying to be pro-active about keeping this apartment clean, trying to clean a little on a regular basis rather than waiting until it becomes a pig sty of indelible stains like my last apartment.

It's difficult for me to stay off the Internet because I have this continual vague feeling that I need to be doing something to find a girlfriend, and the something must be done online because there are no offline avenues currently available.

It's good that I'm trying to be pro-active about dating as well, but it's difficult to execute properly because there aren't a lot of viable options around which I can plan the execution: I've ruled out vegan meet-ups, lesbian meetups, dating sites are one-by-one ruling themselves out, etc. I kind of just sit idling on the Internet, waiting for something to come to mind. Today I decided to post something online because someone on that site suggested that I could meet womyn here (rather than on a dating site); I likely wouldn't have revealed that information if I hadn't felt like that site was one of my only possible sources of dates.

I found that another dating site I'm on requires phone verification. And the deal with OkC made me remember that I actually had to supply a phone number to sign up for PoF, a third site. I wish I hadn't done that. I can't remember why I did that. I guess I thought that number was needed for sign-up only, whereas these other sites I already have an account on, I was more worried that they'd store my phone number.
females first

(no subject)

I just updated my Dreamwidth bio. Mostly I removed interests. I'm no longer interested in schizoid PD, misophonia (which I now know that I don't have), Asperger's Syndrome (towards which I have developed a negative attitude thanks to that annoyingly cutesie "aspie" term and, unfortunately, certain stereotypes), and...meh, I still like Python I guess but I can't be arsed to code anything with it, so I removed that too. I added womyn, women-only spaces, gender non-conformity, Arch linux, CSS, and HTML. These last two are on my mind because I've decided to try to develop a web forum from scratch. I got my new all-organic socks several days ago and I LOVE them. They're comfortable and fit well. I was just sitting here thinking about the word "slick" when I remembered that my sister used to tease me because the Birkenstock-like shoes (what are those kinds of shoes called, anyways?) I was wearing at the time (junior high school) had developed an unusually smooth texture that appeared vaguely oily. Then I thought to myself, "you were wearing lesbian shoes so long before you knew you were a lesbian!" Birkenstocks became a lesbian stereotype at some point (somewhere between the 70s-early 90s) for those of you who don't know. This apartment is not as quiet as it seemed at first. I couldn't sleep for a long time last night due to what I assume was the sound of someone running water. One of the neighbors speaks with a bizarre, incredibly annoying tonality (it actually sounds like he's speaking inside some sort of acoustically unique room), and I am already SO TIRED of hearing his voice. People play their music too loudly. Like everywhere, it seems. The smoke alarm goes off if I don't open all the windows while showering (and then goes off anyhow if the shower is too long). The heaters don't heat even half the rooms they are in. My apartment is in the shadows and it's always too cool in here. It's colder in here than it is outside. Only the bedroom window let's in sun. I'm going to have to figure something out for winter. Or I guess I could complain about the heaters not working. I want to buy a new piece of equipment for my home gym. I'm finally fed up with this spinning bike that doesn't quite fit my body. I tried to sell it on Craigslist, but no one responded. On today's episode of Queer Crazy (a cut above mere Queer Nonsense), we have a self-identified sadist discussing her pre-emptive rejection of queers (she assumes, apparently) whose dating preferences are not inclusive enough: https://xanwest.wordpress.com/2014/09/14/the-problem-i-have-when-i-read-no-cis-men-yes-trans-guys-on-a-dating-profile/ Typical queer shit: expects random strangers to adhere to her re-definition of manhood and genderist ideology in general, acts like society is organized around gender identity rather than reproductive sex (that's what the part about denying transsexual people access to "spaces, organizations, or events designated for that gender" is about), wants other people's attractions to be based on gender identity, devalues physical-sex-based attraction, tries to reduce the same down to attraction to genitals, delusionally believes she was "coercively" assigned female at birth. Somebody should take all those evil OB-GYNs to task for coercing all these poor newborns into identities they don't want.
females first

We're Done OkC

I guess I'm done with OkCupid. Match.com finally ran it into the ground. I found out yesterday that I can't send a message unless I "verify" my identity with a cell phone number. I'm not giving those bastards my number. And their shit site that's devoid of lesbians isn't even worth the trouble.

Maybe if I have money left over after paying the dermatologist, I will try a lesbian matchmaker. I came across one once, someone who seemed like she knew something at least. Frankie Bashan the lesbian matchmaker is out. Like a couple other matchmakers I found via Internet search today, she works only with "professionals."

Today I finally took the time to look up hair cutting techniques. I've been wanting a haircut that would make my head look more square, but I had no idea how to accomplish that. I didn't quite find what I was looking for, but I did come across a video with text instructions about cutting a flat-top. I sorta kinda followed some of those instructions (after I had started cutting my hair, unfortunately), and my hair looks closer to what I want it to look like. The top of my hair, anyways.

I tried to fade the back and sides and didn't do such a good job. Fades are difficult with cheap department store clippers. So pro clippers are yet another thing that I probably won't be able to afford with my stimulus money but are on my want list anyhow.

About a week ago, I got out my oil lamp and tried to fire it up. Not remembering how to use it, I stupidly cut the wick in half, so it was too short to touch the oil. No oil on the wick = no burning, so I had to order some new wicks. The size I needed was nowhere to be found online. I wonder whether that has something to do with the lamp possibly being from Europe—the nice antique store proprietor who gave it to me is from Austria.

So I misread the wick size on some website, and today in the mail arrived wicks that are like three times too wide. I had to cut one of them; it's frayed, but it works. So I hope to be using electric light much less now.

I need a tag to classify posts that are about my attempts to avoid contemporary technology. I just chose the tag "lo-tech."

I finally figured out that I need a lot (relative to the amount I usually eat) of fat and protein before bed to prevent my waking up with hypoglycemia-induced night sweats, so I've been having lentil and tofu sloppy joe for dinner every night. At first I was worried about my caloric intake for dinner because I thought I'd be tempted to have the joe on a hamburger bun (which is high-calorie and low-filling) every single night, but I got tired of buns after about the third or fourth one. Now I'm mostly having the joe with potatoes or polenta.

It's really not true what they say about carbs making people fat. I continually find my hunger satisfied with carbs, continually find myself eating less the more carbs I eat. For lunch today, for example, I had one large slice of bread covered in peanut butter and a couple squares of dark chocolate, and I was satisfied for at least four hours, even though I was active during that time (organizing things in my apartment).

It took me an hour to cook my next meal, and I didn't feel like I was starving during that extra hour. And this fullness was not due to my still being full from an earlier meal; I'd had my usual < 1/3 cup of at bran for breakfast.

I'm happy about this because, as I said before, I'd thought that I'd have to give up bread products to maintain my weight. I love bread and didn't want to go to the trouble of reining in my cravings for it, so I'd stopped buying it altogether. It's been years since I started doing that, and now I find that bread is fine for me.

Whoops, I just turned the kitchen light on to get my dinner. I'll have to get into the habit of taking the lamp with me when I move to another room.

I found out that I can't message without verification by chance. I happened to look at the profile of an OkC match who is all the way in Rhode Island (I have like zero chance with someone that far away). At the top of her profile, she mentioned that she was done with the site because of the new requirement. I'd seen notifications about this requirement several times in the past right after I logged in, but I'd forgotten about it because I was never presented with a dialog box forcing me to enter a number, and the notifications eventually went away.

Well, I tried to message someone after reading her profile, and that's when I saw that dialog. The accompanying message from OkC about giving them our numbers being safer for us irritated me even more.

But I went back and read the rest of this person's profile. Her personality is rather attractive (for OkC). She had a long spiel about the bullshit in the trans/genderspecial community and other womyn having a problem with her not being a liberal. We were a pretty good match, but she's not a vegan, and she intends to homestead off-grid in the cold ass northeast. I couldn't survive that. I was like a cold-blooded creature, slow and dull and dying, when I was in France. And odds are she's not interested in me anyhow.

I'm looking forward to reading by the light of oil lamps. I'm going to need at least one more lamp at some point. Another item on my shopping list.
females first

What's happening to Etsy?

Yay my Matte Beauty order arrived today. Two days early! I got a nice thick Vitamin C serum. It goes on smooth and I like the feel of it. Vitamin C helps to prevent sun damage if I recall correctly. The Keratin I got for my hair doesn't feel so nice, but we'll see how it performs. I also got a moisturizer to help fade my hyperpigmentation. The only thing missing from my skin care routine is a lightening soap (although I'm not sure I really need one given all my other lightening products). I haven't been able to find any soaps without coconut oil or shea butter (which clog pores) in them. Etsy, my go-to website for skin care products, seems to have hollowed out. There seems to be many people re-selling shit they bought (I found a couple products available at Wal-mart), few legit homemade products. I've noticed that fewer people are posting the ingredients of their wares. It's all very suspicious.
females first

Not you too, Raquel!

I was looking for butch pics to use as avatars this morning. I found the name of the sexiest member of Butchlalis de Penochitlan (i don't know how to spell that shit). Her name is Raquel Gutierrez. I've been wanting a pic of her without the other members of her performance group, so I eagerly put the name into the search engine.

I found her website. Her bio refers to her as "she/they." Disappointment. Another butch on the stupid gender id/preferred pronouns bandwagon. There's always some b.s. story behind the preferred pronouns. It would actually be a relief if someone wanted to be called "they" due to having Dissociative Identity Disorder—that seems better than the "I don't feel like a woman" shit. Oh well, lower expectations, improperly. Maybe I should go back to non-human avatars.

My abdomen and vulva have started hurting lately. I wonder whether it has something to do with having this laptop on my lap, something to do with radiation. Because pain from my fibroids started in my last apartment, which is the first time in my life during which I regularly sat with a laptop in my lap. And the pain had subsided, but another sort of pain in that area has now started up now that I'm sitting with a laptop on my lap for a large part of the day. I guess I should get a table. I feel like I don't have the executive functioning to scale back my laptop usage while trying to do the Internet dating thing.

I've been here for over a week and have not seen no spoken to my next door neighbor. I love it.
females first

I got lost tonight

I've started up my evening walks again, to help me lose weight. Managed to get quite lost this evening, which is weird because I walked the same way I walked yesterday evening. I found yet another grocery store; that makes four so far, and according to Yelp!, there's at least one more I haven't come across. For a town of about seven and half thousand people. That seems like a lot. The last town I lived in had a few more thousand people and one local grocery store.

My face is almost done peeling and I'm disappointed. I expected three applications of 30% TCA (that is quite strong) to have had more of an effect. It seems that I cannot go deep enough into my skin (not without damaging my face, at least), so I'm going to give up and consult a professional. That probably means going all the way down to the lower Bay Area because there aren't likely to be an ethnic skincare specialists in this county.

I'm having trouble sleeping. Again. I've been trying to get both early morning and evening walks, but my morning tiredness makes it difficult to get up before lunch let alone sunrise.

Tomorrow is food stamp day. I'd been considering going into town (the next biggest town) for grocery shopping, but I think I'll pass because the bus won't be able to take me home for four hours (way more time than I need for shopping), there'll be nothing to do during those four hours (everything closed due to the Covid), I don't really need the stress of going out of town, I still need to stay out of the sun while my face heals, and shopping in town won't be so bad now that I can eat normally again.

I have been putting a lot of effort into online dating, but I'm still coming up empty-handed. At least I have a penpal now. I'm waiting for my first letter from someone who's in Arizona. That will help me pass the time. I hope we get along; I'm worried because her profile indicates that she's a Buddhist (I don't really like religious people or religion) and into queer shit (see the "queer nonsense" tage on this blog). It's just exchanging letters, not hanging out, so it shouldn't be too annoying even if it doesn't work out.
females first

Damn I love being a lesbian.

Title has nothing to do with this post.

Finally got my power rack set up. (That's the big steel cage I lift weights in).

I'm not going to go back to squatting weight even though it feels good.

I have no phone access now because my stupid cell phone carrier shut off my service today instead of in the 48 hours I was told. I want to switch my Obamaphone service to a landline phone, but I first had to cancel my cell phone service.

I feel kinda fat.

I don't know what the hell has happened, but I've been continuously connected to the Internet for hours now. Normally with this complimentary internet service, I'd have to re-connect every hour. I'm afraid things will revert once I shut down the laptop.
females first

First Walk

I just got back from my first walk around my neighborhood, except that I actually walked far afield of my neighborhood. I'd been quite keen to start exercising again today, but I couldn't find some parts of my exercise bike, and then I remembered that sitting on the seat while wearing a menstrual pad is super uncomfortable, so I gave up and decided to go for a walk instead.

I could have sworn I was only a few blocks away from my apartment complex, but somehow I ended up lost and much further away from the neighborhood than I would have thought had I not finally emerged onto a familiar street. My walk ended up being about twice as long as I'd intended.

I did some more career searching today. SQL developer emerged as a possibility. Since QA tester keeps popping up as a good job for autistic people and since it can be done from home, I guess I'll finally consider that one as well. I've thought more about going back to freelance editing (especially when I came across my box of work-related reference books). The idea is overwhelming.

It would be better for my SSI case that I just ride out the next several months not working anyhow. I can survive on my vet benefits and food stamps.

Disappointed in the lack of sources for dates so far. I still have one site that I haven't logged in to (I've forgotten my username) since I moved here.

My sideburns have fully grown back and they are GORGEOUS. LOVE YOU SIdEBURNS. Even though you complicate my fade.

The dental office cancelled my April appointment a week before the appointment. I was like 'meh' then, but now my teeth have started hurting! The Covid needs to hurry up and end.
females first

Finally All Moved In

I finished unloading my last six or seven boxes and got my exercise bike up the stairs. After I returned the moving truck, I walked the mile or so back into town. I've finally figured out that this hard labor requires fatty food.

So I looked around town for a vegan burger and fries (I've had pizza twice since I've been here and I finally got tired of it). I was surprised and disappointed. You can't call your town progressive if it doesn't have decent vegan takeout options! One place offered a vegan patty on a non-vegan bun! Why?! So I turned around and headed back home. I ended up walking an extra 2 miles, 3 miles total. It was hot and I ended up headachey.

I don't have any new matches on OkC or PoF. Honestly PoF has gotten on my nerves again with all the not-filled-out and barely-filled-out profile text.