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September 7th, 2017

females first

Sick Day :(

Was tired from grocery day yesterday (and the day before) and have menstrual cramps today, so I didn't make it to bridge lessons :(

One of the organizers texted me though; that was nice. It'll have to wait until next week.

Also the city is working on the pipes and I couldn't shower for a while/didn't want to go to bridge smelly.

I almost did my forum disappearing act again. I switched my account to invisible and considered deleting everything in my profile. I was gonna either not return for a very long time or just lurk (not post).

The part of me that is still human was not happy about this, but, well, I started participating as a social experiment and the outcome has been unfavorable. I got pissed off, didn't have any satisfying conversations, and some crazy lesbian was apparently creeping on the personal information I shared (against my inclination). I still have fun in the spam sub-forum, but I wanted to bar myself from that even. That's me being cruel to myself again.

So I thought about neuroticism and saw the pattern. I felt like I was giving in, but I went back. The more sensible plan is to stick with spamming, stop trying to have enjoyable or constructive conversations on main forums, stop sharing personal info, stop opining on people's dumb opinions, and remain open to one-on-one connections.

Felt down, lonely and hopeless today (hormones involved?); surprising coming down off that peacefulness I mentioned last post.

The cold is coming, I still live here, and still no heater. My rent got increased to six dollars per month. How am I going to pay that? I'm not going to buy a six-dollar money order every month.