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tipping truck

Nothing Can Make Up For This Experience

What an awful day. On the way to the bus station, one of my pedals fell off. I missed the bus twice. I couldn't hold my bladder while locking up my bike outside the grocery store, and I had my worst wetting accident yet. I soaked through a medium-flow pad and my underwear, so now I'm using my shorts as underwear (I had jeans with me to wear over them.)

I missed breakfast, so there were no more breakfast burritos, which is the reason I'd gone to the store. The only available vegan baked item that didn't have chocolate in it was a vanilla blueberry muffin. I don't like vanilla.

Neither I nor the bike shop employees could figure out how to re-attach the pedal, so I had to buy a new pair. As soon as I make money, I have to spend it. One of the employees asked me if I'd been in a crash. Could it have been that crash I was in last week?! She said that bikes were weird in that they didn't show the effects of a crash immediately. Along with the bent basket, I've also recently noticed that the front brake handle thing is bent. I just got this bike three months ago, and it's already a mess: mismatched back wheel, barely usable back brakes, bent wheel well. All this because of living in the big city, constantly coming into contact with the insane number of people here, and all of that because a couple of children masquerading as adults burned down my safe, quiet, isolated home.

I of course have no way to secure my menstrual pads (which clip shut) inside the shorts. On my way from the bike shop, the pad slipped down my leg and would have been bound for the pavement if I hadn't been wearing my velcro biker pants-gatherer thingies.

I checked out the courses that make up UC Berkeley's copyediting program. Seven hundred bucks per course! And they're all taught online, so I wouldn't be able to attend in person. The UC San Diego courses cost $425 each.

It looks like it's about to rain. I'm near the bus line, but I'm out of town without my coat or umbrella.

Did I post about having lost my hoodie? Well, in the meantime, I've lost one of the only three pairs of jeans I owned.

This has been one of the worst experiences of my life. It's been worse than the last time I was homeless even though I had less money then and lived outdoors in the winter. And the reason it is so bad, though my tribulations are relatively mild and easy to solve? It's all someone else's fault.

It burns me up like nothing I've ever felt before to know that all this crap is because of those morons who lived below me. And the difficulty of finding housing, that's someone else's fault too, several someone's. Being prevented from simply pitching a tent somewhere, from being able to safely live outdoors instead of that mad house and pneumonia incubator of a shelter, that's men's fault. I'm so tired of my life being being floated this way and that on an ocean of circumstances created by other people.

And now, the good news: I have an appointment at the veteran's service center tomorrow. Finally! If I qualify, they will pay my deposit.

I had a kidney bean burrito and one of those vanilla blueberry muffins for brunch today. Fretting about the damp underwear in my backpack, I gobbled them down in desperate sorrow, before I'd thought of photographing them. I paid for the burrito with food stamps, but it was hot (a bit too hot, in fact)! A deli employee heated it up for me. So I got around the stupid food stamp rules against purchasing hot food.

I'm kind of struggling today. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to, and I don't know how to stop myself from remembering everything that's gone wrong. Maybe I can lose myself in a book, and maybe the rain (if it starts) will be over by the time I leave.

I saw a bale of hay (or was it straw? what's the difference?) today and decided right there that I want my new bed to be made of hay or something like it. I'll have to figure out a way to keep the hay from making a mess.