Log in

No account? Create an account
females first

Make Me Normal

Hmm, my match can't meet on weekdays until after 7 PM, and I have no way back home that late except by taxi (for which I do not want to pay even thought it'd only cost me $20). The part of me that's ready to throw in the towel grew after I read this last message. As I was waiting to fall asleep last night, the fact that I'm not physically attracted to her crept up on me. It's something I'd hardly thought about at all. She's a vegan, she's a lesbian, she's non-gender-conforming, and she's not an NT. I was focused on all those too-good-to-be-true qualities to the exclusion of pretty much anything else.

She's not at all ugly; she's just not a butch lesbian. Or, at least, she doesn't seem like one. And that's really the only type of person to whom I've ever been strongly attracted. I think a small part of me was relieved that she isn't a butch lesbian because anything involving butch lesbians is almost too stimulating to bear.

After astramance, I told myself that I would never again position myself to break anyone's heart by trying to date someone who was not a butch lesbian. I was so certain that no one else would work for me. I was not (and am not) intellectually certain, I was intuitively certain. Intellectually, I thought (and sometimes still think) I can be strongly attracted to other lesbians. Maybe I don't think it so much as I sort of almost want it to be true.

But my intuition (or some other slightly sub-conscious part of me that is somewhat independent of and side-eyeing my intellect) is fairly certain that I will only ever be strongly attracted to butch lesbians. That's because my intuition is observing my non-intellectual reactions to females, noting a marked and consistent difference in favor of the former.

Why am I talking about myself as if I'm split in two.

It's not just attraction. It's comfort. It would be soooooo indescribably weird to be involved with someone and have her coming over to my place and leaving things about like purses and pink crap and panties. *grimace* Or deal with the fake, cutesy mannerisms of femininity. Like that come-hither tilt of the head? PUKE I hate that shit so much.

Anyways, that stuff has nothing to do with my match (I think). I'm rambling.

I also think that a small part of me was eager to go on a date just to see if I could act normal on a date. A self-test. Application of some of the psych theory in which I've immersed myself of late. And to initiate a relationship in the hopes that it would help me act and feel more "normal." Selfish reasons.

I'm not even sure she really wants to go out with me. Her agreement was far from enthusiastic: "Sure, I'll go out." I mean who says, "I'll go out"? People might say "I'll go out with you," but not just, "I'll go out." Not a big deal, it just seemed weird. Who knows with these autistic people lol.

Today I received my copy of and started reading A Field Guide to Earthlings: An Autistic/Asperger View of Neurotypical Behavior. I needed to add something to my Amazon order to get free shipping, and this was on my wish list and cost about as much as I needed to add.

This book is really something: very original. Significantly more difficult to understand than I'd anticipated. The author uses many extended metaphors to illustrate concepts. There's a little mock play that continues throughout the whole book, and the author uses the characters' behavior to explain NTs.

The first chapter is about the way NTs perceive things, and the first concept is sensory Desensitization. Yep, that sounds about right, what with all that racket NTs seem to love or not notice. Of course by "racket" I'm including such "quiet" things as having the TV on in the background. Racket according to improperlyhuman. The ability to have a conversation with background noise, stuff like that is what Desensitization is about.

The second chapter (I'm in the middle of it) is about patterns of belief. This chapter makes NTs look bad. Particularly the part about NTs regarding "highly arbitrary and temporal social 'reality'" as if it were as real as physical reality. Basically over-valuing socially constructed bullshit.

I really have to read this book rather like it was a textbook, so densely packed with info it is.

I was expecting my period to get worse and worse now that I'm not exercising, but it's been rather tame these last couple months. I'm not finding it easy to get back into an exercise routine because it isn't in the back of my mind anymore.